“…I’d give anything to run my fingers through your hair again, to be held in your arms once more; to bury myself in that comfort you once gave me; to look up at you and see that special smile you once reserved for me; to let you be my everything once again”

I found this scribbled in my notebook while I was studying just now, and wooooo I’m glad that’s me no more. I’m amazed by how strong I’ve emerged from the last relationship (which was beautiful, while it lasted) and seeing how I went from getting destroyed by my own emotions to picking myself up again and again after each hard slap in the face.

I’ve got nothing to prove to anyone but I’ve learnt, the messier things get and the harder you try to put them back together (single-handedly, that is), the more out of control they get. It just tells you that it’s not worth it anymore. There’s no longer a need for explanations, for apologizing, because my conscience is clear, I haven’t done anything wrong and there’s no point beating myself up over and over. I’ve got nothing to lose because I have more than everything and that’s all I need. I’m still in the process of getting rid of the clutter in my life, and read: I don’t need anymore toxic people in my life because gone are the days where I was too nice and too afraid of losing you. I’m nice, and I’m selfless; I go out of my way to help and care for people if they ask for it but watch it, there’s a limit. I don’t like to be used, and I don’t like to be stepped on. Don’t call me weak and say I need to grow some balls but pull me back by the strings when I decide to toughen up and walk away.

So, goodnight world. And no, this post is not directed to anyone in particular so don’t start hating Clare and talk about me behind my back. I’ll always give you a sweet smile (LULZ) and be your friend as long as you want me to.

And, oh dahlingz, no need to thank me. You’re welcome :)

I finally got to talk to someone last night about the shit I was going through in the past 4 weeks (thanks for that hypothetical slap in the face :D), and it just triggered all the waterworks again when I woke up this afternoon. In those 4 weeks I went into recluse, I avoided people; only talking to the closer friends and struggling to ignore all the noise that was floating around me but I guess the harder you try to ignore something, the harder it slaps you in the face. Well everyone thought I was being really strong and all by just moving on and walking away but honestly I had no idea what I was doing. I get swayed very easily and often I find myself being obliged to what others want, neglecting myself in the process. I got frustrated because I hate feeling lost and stuck, not knowing what to do and I broke down a million times in those 4 weeks. Then came Bali, thank God. It allowed me to escape from everything that was happening and stop thinking about so many things. Bali was so fucking awesome lol. So after last night's talk I realised that I did play a part in being the bad guy. Time to pick myself up again and continue walking, as tiring as that might be.

I'm daydreaming at work now and..


Alexander Skarsgård I'd let you get in my pants any day.

Should I be shot for getting excited everytime I hear Justin Bieber on the radio.
FYI I'm not the squealey fangirl kind. His songs just make me smile, because LOL I would really love to go back to those days of innocence, where dancing in a bowling alley for a girl meant the world to everyone.

This is for people like us who have been thrown into hell when we least expected it, and survived. For people like us, who have struggled so much and begged for help from people but never got it. For walking alone and fighting our way out.

This is for people like us who lost our family when we were really young. For having to deal with such a great loss at such a raw stage in our lives. For growing up and always having that void in our hearts because home doesn’t feel like a home anymore. For always coming home to nothing and nobody. For looking at other people in perfect, complete families and it hurts to hear them complain about it, because they’re just too blind to appreciate what’s in front of them. Deep inside, we would love to come home to a frowning face, this way we know that someone cares for us at home. People can sympathise with us, but they don't know, until they lose someone like we did.

This is for people like us, who constantly crave the attention to try to kick that emptiness away, and we do get it but all for the wrong reasons. When we ask for the right kind, we get shunned. This is for you brave people, for walking on. We don’t complain about the slightest things or throw out epic excuses, because no one else can handle the hell we have walked through / are walking through. If they took themselves out of their comfortable shoes and lived our lives for day, they’d probably give up trying to live. This way, they’d finally understand why we’re so messed up.

This is for you too, K and M and Z. For being the strongest people I’ve ever met in my life. For never giving up at all, even though the thought of doing so crossed our minds sooo many times. For constantly picking ourselves up and moving on, even though life keeps throwing shit at us to bring us down.

Looking back at the past 21 years of my life, I can safely declare that I never got the privilege of being sheltered fully. I’m proud of the person I’ve shaped myself to be and for all the goals I set for myself and actually accomplished. People like us never got the things we truly wanted. We get shut out when we whine about it, but we still work hard for it and often it's unnoticed. Yes sometimes, we do get envious of people who get everything served to them so easily. They don't need to work for it at all. People just give it to them. People like us. We give up what's important to us at the moment, to give ourselves to others, that's when we start to lose focus.

Heartbreaks come and go, they just linger a little longer, because our hearts get involved. It takes a little nudge to destroy our whole world, but I know, when we’ve already gone through so much, what’s one more heartbreak. Heartbreaks eventually turn into memories, good memories. Tells us that we are able to learn much from experiences and that we do have the strength to continue handling things.

Someone once told me “things happen for a reason”, fuck yeah they do. The world just thinks that we’re the few strong ones who can handle it, that’s why we’ve been hit. Hard. I know I have nothing to prove to the world but if you're complaining that your life is hard, think again.